A Guide to Soccer Parents

Whoever coined the phrase "no use in beating a dead horse" obviously never dealt with soccer parents. I'm tired of saying the same old stuff about parents and their role as spectators on the soccer field, but since it remains an ever-increasing problem, I will continue to beat this dead horse until I pass out from exhaustion. I would rather have to watch cats in the backyard through the sliding glass door, than to sit next to one of these soccer parents.

In an attempt to humiliate the offending parties, and as well to dazzle and amuse you the reader, I am going to classify each of these criminals into the following categories:

1. The Parent/Coach: The Parent/Coach is not only the coach, but also the parent of one of the players. This person's child starts every game, plays every minute, and is "never the cause of any problems on or off the field." However, most of the other parents know very well, that if this person wasn't the coach, there would be no chance on earth that their child would have ever made the team as anything other than a goalpost.
2. The Parent/Apparent Coach: The Parent/Apparent Coach is more than just a parent of a player, but also a coach of some other team. This means he/she is not only obnoxious, but is also convinced that he/she knows more than the coach about the team, soccer, coaching, the rules, the game, and most other subjects in the dictionary. In reality, the Parent/Apparent Coach either doesn't know more than the coach, or knows more than the coach but doesn't have the common decency to keep his/her trap shut.
3. The Parent/Apparent Non-Coach: The Parent/Apparent Non-Coach is worse than the Parent/Apparent Coach for one reason. This person thinks he/she knows more than the coach, but doesn't, and doesn't realize how often this is evident.
4. The Ignorant: This person is not a soccer person. He/she does not know the rules, has never played the game, has no understanding of the game, and still finds things to shout out loud. For example, "how come the person in the goalie thing doesn't match the rest of the players," or "how come everyone can't use their hands," or "tackle her." This person should be left in the trunk of the Oldsmobile during the game.
5. The Rambo: This is a super-violent, completely non-restrained, bozo (usually male) who craves violence. This person has a stressful life, probably drinks too much alcohol, beats his wife and kids. He/she goes to the soccer match to start a fight, or to at least relieve the weeks pent-up anxiety and stress. The Rambo is often found yelling things like, "crush him, kick her, punch him, trip him, tackle him, hurt him, whack her, get her back, etc." This person also applauds when there are injuries, violent acts, cautions, ejections, own goals, or when the referee gets hit in the face by a floating pass. The Rambo is quite possibly the lowest form of human slime.
6. The Lobbyist: This parent is an influential person in the community... lawyer, doctor, accountant, assemblyman, entrepreneur, etc. that has wealth and power to lure the coach with. This parent buys a position on the team and suitable playing time for their child with favors of financial support. "If my son makes this team, I am planning to buy the team new uniforms, build a clubhouse, pay for tournaments and set-up a booster club to help pay the coaches a little more for their efforts."
7. The Home Team Fanatic: This person means well, but cannot view the game objectively. The Home Team Fanatic sees every foul against his/her team as a bad call. Every foul against the opponent is a good call. Any goal scored by his/her team is a "great" goal. Any goal scored by the opponent is "lucky." If his/her team loses, the opponent cheated. If his/her team wins it was because they outplayed the competition. Anytime the ball is touched by his/her team, the Home Team Fanatic cheers. Anytime the ball is touched by the opponent, the Home Team Fanatic boos.
8. The Siren: This is an easily excitable parent (usually female). Intense play brings a high-pitched squealing or screeching sound from the Screamer. This sound is usually accompanied by uncontrollable bouncing up and down, nervous pacing, hat throwing, coffee drinking or umbrella tossing. Sometimes the pleasant experience of the Screamer is enhanced with the use of air horns, tubas, snare drums, baby rattles, and party horns. Screamers are often seen wearing scarves, hats, sunglasses, trench coats and occasionally holding small children that have confused looks on their faces.
9. The Expectant Father: This person expects "better" from their child at a game. Players dread riding home in the same car as the Expectant Father. This person is type A personality, and always criticizes the play of his child. "Why did you miss that shot? Didn't you see the goalkeeper fall down? How come you look so slow out there? Don't you remember what I told you about being aggressive? You need to go to the ball faster. Why don't you dribble more? You look like you don't want to play. Your teammates pass better than you." etc, etc, etc.
10. The Zen Master: This parent is quiet. Head hung down, staring at his/her feet, and pacing slowly down the sideline. This parent stays alone in a corner and smiles when passed by. After the game is over, the player usually has to go tell the Zen Master parent that the game has ended and their team has won again. The Zen Master usually says... "Good. Are you ready to go now?"

Well, that's it in a nutshell. The only thing I can add is, don't be like these people. Be attentive, supportive, reserved, positive and have a sense of humor when it comes to youth soccer. Sit back, enjoy, and don't be part of the problem.

Ciao for Now.